Monday, December 27, 2010

hymn of another epoch

According to research, your subconscious does not recognize negative statements you make in regards to yourself. One example that illustrates this point is "I will not consume alcohol." If such a statement is made or processed, your mind actually registers the desire as "I will drink." To construct a positive statement that affirms some behavior is the trick. For example, an alcoholic may use, "I will maintain good health."

To draw on another's power statement, I'll use, "I will love and focus on bettering myself."

Sunday, December 26, 2010

paradise circus



Mind-blowing music that creeps me out.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

The moon shook, and curled up like gentle fire

Maybe it's just a symptom of youth, but the best nights of my life are spent with friends and a playlist of classic electronica, house, and techno. It's weird how LED lights, dancing, and bouncy balls can still entertain 20-year olds.

Friday, December 24, 2010

a moment to reflect {Holidays}

The holidays are (for me) a time to reflect on the past year and claw out some meaningful interpretations that can be applied to the future ahead. I don't celebrate the birth of messiahs, continental pride, fertile winters, or temple dedications. If any of the aforementioned rituals truly suits your needs, please reap what you want. I once would spend each winter surrounded by an alarmed "hum-bug" aura, but I'm a different person now who prides himself on being uncertain on matters that relate to the unfathomable imagination. The holidays are a personal and family affair, that I understand; "permissum is exsisto."

What I'm about to iterate is a bit anti-climatic, but it suffices: this past year has really helped me understand what it means to be a good person. In the process of acquiring so many new friends and exploring outlets that I once would have left unturned, I have come to love myself as a person and not as "part" of something, whether that be a school, relationship, fellowship, or clique, through the realm of trial and error. No year prior to this one has opened up my eyes to the "real world" while allowing me to march forward with the full weight of confidence on my shoulders. It's moments like sitting in the rear seat of a car with Josh and JoJo while Muse pumps through the radio system or having Caitlin M. cry on my shoulder after an all-too-familiar breakup scenario or picking Connie off the kitchen floor after a diabetic shock or taking Jeff and Chazz to Golden Chick (all of us pained with intolerable headaches) or so many other countless moments that erase my misanthropic routes. To be told by so many people that you're a "fucking great person" whose only real flaw is that "you apologize too much" really makes one introspective. I'm so very, very glad I can be there for people. It's all very ironic considering by loving myself more and really relearning everything there is, I feel much more in love with people around me.

So what am I getting at? Basically, I've learned the following:
- Don't discount the value of friendship. Ever.
- Think hard about ethical principles and stand by them.
- "Love thyself."
- Don't let lust spoil possible friendships with people of the opposite sex.
- Sugar and alcohol don't mix well in large quantities, heh.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Long you live and high you fly

I wonder if it's possible that I could be some very weird synesthete? I attribute way too much personal characteristics to the letters I write. It would almost be comical to see the thoughts in my head if it didn't debilitate certain phrases.

Monday, December 20, 2010

seduced by the heart {Despair}

"I never wanted to know, never wanted to see. I wasted my time till time wasted me" - Savatage, the predecessor to Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

We arrive at despair when we're stolen of our familiar comforts. A wealthy man who finds that he has gambled himself into a cardboard cutout is much more prone to commit suicide than someone who was raised on the streets. One friend of mine experienced the Bosnian War as a little girl; traumatic as it was to be home for all of December while enemy combatants payed men to rape Muslim women, now that she is in a safe environment she has a fresh and pleasant demeanor that few of us will ever know. A stable home may allow for an easier life, but living is an independent characteristic. That is why we see depression as a common trauma in the United States. The modern man is surrounded by a fast-paced, uncertain world that raises him on a pedestal while damning him to more greed and lust than ever before.

We build a stone fortress around us with all the pleasantries one can, and when but a single wall falls we feel so very weak. The lesson is to actually appreciate what you have (as much as one can) and to own up to your behavior. No one else, ultimately, is responsible for how you act, whether we see humans as agents of free will or determined machines. I can blame quite a few idiots in my past for shaping me to become a pessimist when it comes to issues like trust (as discussed below), but that would be wrong. Their irresponsible actions do not correlate with my reactions. I am the sole proprietor of my mind. In essence, learn that it's your 'fault'; if you're not proud of that statement, then you need to correct much about your life else you will bout with despair forever.


Listening to haunting trance like this.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

artifacts of another {Trust}

Confidence in others is for me a pandemic too easily spread by shallow deeds and warm words. Without some faith one would succumb to a paralysis of actions, but the implications of trust are always either painful or deceptive on a large enough timeline. I am not comfortable admitting that I don't truly trust anyone, but those words do feel safe. I observe the brutal honesty of trust between others and am left stunned: manipulation, deception - in essence, I view completely open lines of faith as little more than the naïveté Glaucon addressed thousands of years ago in the Republic. And when all turns to ruin, the game turns to one of self-defense. Trust that withstands waterfalls is empirically false, but this raises crucial concerns about how one can praise life if burdened with our specie's ineptitude?

As I said, the position I hold at this moment in my life carries an uncomfortable weight with it, and for that reason I try to establish myself as someone who is trustworthy to the best of my abilities. I can not be perfected in a world where various people disable the possibility by having different perspectives (Gene, defend me. No, no, defend me.), but I establish where I stand on basic ethical principles with anyone who gets to know me beyond simple greetings and then I defend that position rigorously. I will not preference a friend before a stranger if my actions will hurt that other person, for example. When did it become an acceptable practice to say you won't pursue a friend's lady or guy but the romantic interest of others is 'fair game?' Worse still, this thought process fails to account for the self-implicated change of hands: by allowing yourself to defend why someone should build clouds atop a relationship, you are justifying the very principle. Not only does this lead to disastrous conclusions when you realize you can simply discard the "friend" label when it is no longer convenient, but you then have no rational justifications for opposing someone who acts the same way towards your relationships. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Wise men put their trust in ideas and not in circumstances.”

One contemporary philosopher, Doctor Annette Baier, wants us to distinguish between reliance and trust. We can rely on a wristwatch for an accurate account of time, but if the batteries die we do not feel betrayed. Trust is an acceptance that you may (or will) be hurt but not to such a severity that your relationship as either friends or lovers can't be repaired. Indeed it is very likely that in our everyday routines we slight one another. All of us talk behind each other's backs. I'll need to reflect on this some more in the month ahead.